Let's Talk About Attachment: Why We Love, Chase, and Run Away From Each Other
Let's talk about everyone's favorite topic: your attachment to other human beings! Yay!
Relationships. Arguably the best and most frustrating part of being human. We have this profound desire to be understood, known, loved, and accepted. In fact, we're born entirely dependent on other people to meet our needs. We enter the world ready to be held, comforted, adored, and attended to.
And then we encounter the unfortunate reality that the people responsible for meeting those needs are, well... people.
Complicated, imperfect, emotionally wounded people.
What could possibly go wrong?
This is where attachment theory comes in.
Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby and expanded through the research of Mary Ainsworth and others, helps us understand how our experiences of safety, responsiveness, and connection shape the ways we relate to others.
When our caregivers are consistently responsive to our needs, we're more likely to develop a sense that relationships are safe, people can be trusted, and our emotional needs are worthy of attention. However, when care is inconsistent, emotionally unavailable, frightening, or unpredictable, we may develop different strategies to maintain connection or protect ourselves from getting hurt.
For example, imagine growing up with a parent who is emotionally withdrawn. You desire closeness, comfort, and reassurance, but those needs aren't consistently met. You might learn to suppress your emotions and become fiercely independent because relying on others feels disappointing. Or perhaps you respond by pursuing connection even more intensely, hoping that if you try hard enough, you'll finally receive the attention you're longing for.
Two very different responses to a similar experience.
Of course, attachment isn't quite as simple as assigning every relationship difficulty to our parents. Our temperament, friendships, romantic relationships, traumatic experiences, and other significant relationships can all influence our attachment patterns throughout life.
But here's the fascinating part: The behaviors that once helped us feel safe can eventually become the very behaviors that interfere with the relationships we want.
Today, we're breaking down three common insecure attachment patterns, what they look like, why they develop, how they affect our relationships, and, most importantly, how we can move toward greater security.
And let me emphasize something before we begin: Everyone is susceptible to experiencing attachment insecurity. There is nothing abnormal or inherently wrong with you for resonating with any of these patterns. Attachment isn't a personality diagnosis or a permanent label. It's a framework for understanding how we respond to closeness, vulnerability, and perceived threats to connection.
So, we're going to stay open to being gently called out, but in a compassionate way rather than one that invites shame.
Are you with me? Let's do this.
Avoidant Attachment: "I Don't Need Anyone." (Except Maybe You, but Please Don't Make It Weird.)
Let's start with avoidance.
If you don't resonate with this one, perhaps think of a loved one, a previous romantic partner, or even a fictional character who does. We're all familiar with the emotionally unavailable character who insists they're perfectly fine on their own while the rest of us watch them actively sabotage a perfectly good relationship.
Avoidant attachment, particularly the dismissing-avoidant pattern, is characterized by discomfort with emotional dependence, vulnerability, and intimacy.
People with stronger avoidant tendencies may:
Prefer independence and emotional distance over relying on others.
Feel uncomfortable expressing vulnerable emotions or sharing private thoughts.
Struggle to seek reassurance, comfort, or emotional support.
Minimize their own emotional needs or dismiss the needs of others.
Withdraw, shut down, or become defensive during emotionally charged conversations.
Feel irritated, overwhelmed, or smothered when someone desires greater closeness.
Present as highly self-sufficient or confident while struggling with emotional vulnerability.
Paint the picture?
Let's say you're dating someone who wants to spend more time together, talk about their feelings, and develop a deeper emotional connection. Wonderful, right?
Well, not necessarily.
If you lean toward avoidant attachment, that desire for closeness might begin to feel like pressure. You may notice yourself becoming irritated by their emotional needs, questioning whether you even like them anymore, or suddenly feeling a strong desire to spend three consecutive weekends alone.
You might find yourself thinking, Why do we have to talk about everything? Can't we just enjoy being together?
Or perhaps your favorite response to conflict is some variation of, "I'm fine," followed by an impressive commitment to not discussing the issue ever again.
Think of Nick Miller from New Girl, who often uses humor and withdrawal to manage emotional discomfort. Or Jackson Avery from Grey's Anatomy, whose tendency to withdraw emotionally and struggle with vulnerability during conflict can leave his partners feeling disconnected and uncertain about where they stand.
And, of course, Batman. The man has an entire cave dedicated to being emotionally unavailable.
Now, needing independence, solitude, or personal space isn't inherently avoidant. Healthy relationships require individuality. The concern arises when emotional distance becomes our primary strategy for managing vulnerability, even when that distance interferes with meaningful connection.
Why does avoidant attachment develop?
Here's the interesting thing about avoidance: the person who appears to need the least amount of connection may have learned very early that needing connection was unsafe, disappointing, or simply ineffective.
Avoidant attachment can develop when someone repeatedly experiences their emotional needs as unwelcome, dismissed, or unlikely to receive a comforting response.
Perhaps a caregiver valued independence but struggled with affection. Maybe emotional expression was discouraged, vulnerability was criticized, or the child learned that seeking comfort rarely resulted in feeling comforted.
Over time, the child may develop a protective belief: If I don't need anyone, no one can disappoint me.
And in many ways, this strategy makes sense.
If reaching for connection repeatedly leads to rejection or discomfort, learning to rely on yourself can feel safer than risking another disappointment.
What looks like indifference can sometimes be a deeply practiced form of self-protection.
And while we might be tempted to describe this person as emotionally unavailable, the more interesting question is: What has this person learned will happen if they become emotionally available?
How avoidance can hurt relationships
For someone with avoidant tendencies, emotional distance may offer temporary relief from vulnerability, but it can also limit opportunities for intimacy, support, and meaningful connection.
For their partner, repeated withdrawal or emotional dismissal can create feelings of loneliness, rejection, confusion, and insecurity.
The avoidant person may believe they're simply maintaining their independence, while their partner experiences that same behavior as emotional rejection.
And unfortunately, when emotional distance becomes a habitual response to discomfort, it can prevent both people from experiencing the trust and vulnerability necessary for a fulfilling relationship.
Moving from avoidance toward security
For those who identify with avoidant tendencies, growth often involves learning that vulnerability and independence can coexist.
Some important areas of growth include:
Recognizing emotional needs rather than dismissing them. Independence is valuable, but needing connection doesn't make you weak.
Practicing emotional expression. Start small. Naming an emotion, communicating a need, or sharing a vulnerable thought can help build tolerance for intimacy.
Learning to stay present during discomfort. Rather than automatically withdrawing during conflict, practice communicating when you need space and when you'll return to the conversation.
Challenging beliefs about dependence. Healthy relationships involve interdependence, not complete self-sufficiency or the loss of individuality.
Developing tolerance for closeness. Notice when connection begins to feel threatening and explore whether the discomfort reflects an actual boundary violation or a learned protective response.
Security doesn't require giving up your independence. It means learning that you can remain an individual while allowing yourself to be known, supported, and loved.
Anxious Attachment: "Do You Still Love Me?" (Sent 14 Minutes After the Last Text.)
Okay, let's talk about the other side of the relationship dance.
For those who resonate with anxious attachment, let me paint a picture.
You begin dating someone new. You're excited, they're exciting, and everything feels full of possibility. The usual butterflies and rose-colored glasses are present.
But somewhere along the way, the excitement starts to become something else.
Instead of simply enjoying the relationship, you notice a constant undercurrent of insecurity.
They haven't responded to your text in three hours.
Are they busy? Are they losing interest? Did you say something wrong? Are they talking to someone else? Should you send another text? Absolutely not. Unless...?
Suddenly, you're no longer enjoying your afternoon because you're conducting a full psychological investigation into the meaning of someone's punctuation.
Welcome to anxious attachment!
Anxious attachment is characterized by a heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection, abandonment, or disconnection, often accompanied by a strong desire for reassurance and closeness.
People with stronger anxious attachment tendencies may:
Experience persistent fears of rejection, abandonment, or losing a relationship.
Become preoccupied with a partner's feelings, behaviors, or availability.
Seek frequent reassurance about the stability of the relationship.
Struggle to tolerate uncertainty, emotional distance, or delayed communication.
Prioritize a partner's needs or approval at the expense of their own.
Experience jealousy, insecurity, or heightened distress when a partner seems unavailable.
Overanalyze interactions, conversations, and subtle changes in behavior.
Have difficulty maintaining their sense of individuality within romantic relationships.
Feel compelled to pursue connection when another person withdraws.
Think of Gatsby from The Great Gatsby, whose obsession with Daisy, idealization of their relationship, and desperate attempts to win her affection illustrate how romantic longing and fear of rejection can become all-consuming. Or Ross Geller from Friends, whose jealousy and fear of losing romantic partners often create the very relationship difficulties he's trying to prevent.
And, of course, Bridget Jones, whose internal monologue could serve as a masterclass in romantic overthinking.
These fictional comparisons are meant to illustrate recognizable behaviors, not diagnose the characters.
Why does anxious attachment develop?
Anxious attachment can develop when experiences of care and emotional availability are inconsistent or unpredictable.
Imagine growing up with a caregiver who is sometimes warm, attentive, and emotionally available, but other times distant, overwhelmed, or unresponsive.
You may begin to learn that connection is possible, but you can't always count on it.
As a result, you become particularly attentive to changes in another person's behavior. You may learn to intensify your bids for connection because you're unsure when reassurance or comfort will be available again.
A protective belief may develop: If I pay close enough attention, try hard enough, or keep someone happy enough, I can prevent them from leaving.
The anxious person isn't necessarily asking for too much love. They may have learned to experience uncertainty as a threat to connection.
And when connection feels threatened, their nervous system can respond as though something much more significant than an unanswered text message is happening.
The problem isn't wanting reassurance. It's when reassurance becomes the only way we know how to feel secure.
It's also important to recognize that anxious attachment isn't always rooted in childhood. Betrayal, abandonment, inconsistent romantic relationships, or significant losses can contribute to heightened relationship insecurity later in life.
How anxious attachment can hurt relationships
Anxious attachment can create significant emotional distress for the person experiencing it.
When your sense of safety depends heavily on another person's attention, availability, or approval, ordinary relationship uncertainty can feel overwhelming.
You may begin to abandon your own needs, routines, friendships, or boundaries in an attempt to preserve the relationship.
For a partner, repeated reassurance-seeking, jealousy, or difficulty tolerating separation can create pressure and conflict. Even a caring, emotionally available partner may struggle when reassurance never seems to provide lasting relief.
And here's where things become especially complicated: people with anxious tendencies may sometimes feel particularly drawn to emotionally unavailable partners.
The unpredictability of connection can reinforce the very pattern they're familiar with. Moments of closeness feel incredibly relieving, while periods of distance intensify the desire to reconnect.
However, let's be careful not to assume that every anxious reaction is irrational. Sometimes people feel insecure because their relationship is genuinely inconsistent, dismissive, or emotionally unsafe.
The goal isn't to become so emotionally regulated that you tolerate poor treatment. The goal is to distinguish between an internal fear and an actual relational concern.
Moving from anxiety toward security
For those who identify with anxious attachment, growth often involves learning to experience connection without losing connection to yourself.
Some important areas of growth include:
Developing emotional regulation skills. Practice tolerating uncertainty and calming your nervous system before responding impulsively to perceived disconnection.
Strengthening your sense of self. Invest in your own interests, friendships, values, and routines outside romantic relationships.
Identifying fear-based behaviors. Before sending another text or seeking reassurance, ask yourself: Am I reaching out because I genuinely want connection, or because I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't?
Communicating needs directly. Rather than testing someone's interest, overanalyzing their behavior, or hoping they'll read your mind, practice expressing what you need.
Learning to tolerate healthy separateness. Time apart doesn't automatically indicate rejection. Healthy relationships allow room for individuality.
Evaluating relational compatibility. Security involves choosing relationships where care, consistency, and mutual responsiveness are present.
The goal isn't to stop wanting closeness or reassurance. Those are normal human needs.
The goal is to develop enough internal security that connection becomes something you can enjoy rather than something you constantly fear losing.
When Anxious Meets Avoidant: A Match Made in... Therapy?
Ah, the anxious–avoidant relationship dynamic. One person desperately wants to talk about the relationship, and the other would rather discuss literally anything else.
One person feels disconnected and moves closer. The other feels overwhelmed and moves away. The first person interprets that distance as rejection and pursues harder. The second person experiences that pursuit as pressure and withdraws further.
And suddenly, two people who genuinely care about each other are participating in a beautifully synchronized dance of making each other feel terrible.
The anxious partner thinks, If you loved me, you wouldn't pull away.
The avoidant partner thinks, If you loved me, you'd give me space.
And underneath both reactions may be the same desire: to feel safe, accepted, and loved.
This is often described as a pursue–withdraw cycle, and it can become self-reinforcing. Each person's protective response unintentionally intensifies the other's insecurity.
Here's where growth becomes possible.
The anxious partner can practice communicating their needs without pursuing or demanding immediate reassurance. The avoidant partner can practice communicating their need for space without disappearing emotionally.
Both individuals learn that their feelings are valid, but their automatic responses aren't always helpful.
Importantly, this dynamic isn't inevitable, and not every anxious or avoidant individual will find themselves in it. Nor should someone remain in an unhealthy relationship simply to prove they've become more secure.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: "Please Love Me. Actually, That Sounds Terrifying."
And if those first two patterns weren't complicated enough, how about we throw in another one?
Fearful-avoidant attachment.
Because apparently, human beings weren't already contradictory enough.
Imagine deeply craving intimacy, affection, and emotional connection while simultaneously feeling terrified of what might happen if you actually receive it.
You want someone to come closer, but when they do, you feel the urge to pull away.
You fear abandonment, but you may also fear dependence.
You want to trust someone, but trusting them feels dangerous.
It's essentially the emotional equivalent of opening the door, inviting someone inside, and immediately wondering why they're in your house.
In adult romantic attachment research, fearful-avoidant attachment generally describes a pattern involving elevated attachment anxiety and avoidance. It's often discussed alongside disorganized attachment, although the two terms come from different assessment traditions and aren't entirely interchangeable.
People who experience fearful-avoidant patterns may:
Strongly desire intimacy while simultaneously fearing vulnerability and dependence.
Experience heightened sensitivity to rejection, betrayal, or abandonment.
Struggle to trust others, even when they desire closeness.
Alternate between pursuing connection and withdrawing from it.
Experience difficulty regulating intense emotions during relational conflict.
Feel confused by their own contradictory relationship behaviors.
Become hypervigilant to potential signs of danger or rejection.
Struggle to communicate emotional needs consistently.
Think of Will Hunting from Good Will Hunting, who deeply desires love and connection but pushes people away the moment intimacy begins to feel threatening. His tendency to alternate between vulnerability and defensiveness illustrates the internal conflict of wanting to be loved while fearing what might happen if someone gets too close.
Or Carmy Berzatto from The Bear, whose history of family dysfunction and emotional instability contributes to a push-pull dynamic in relationships. He longs for connection but struggles to trust it, often withdrawing or sabotaging relationships when vulnerability becomes overwhelming.
Again, these are illustrative comparisons rather than clinical assessments.
Why can fearful-avoidant attachment develop?
Fearful or disorganized attachment-related patterns may be associated with experiences in which closeness and safety become difficult to reconcile.
For example, someone may have experienced relationships where a person they depended on for comfort was also frightening, unpredictable, emotionally harmful, or unavailable.
This can create a painful conflict: I need connection to feel safe, but connection itself doesn't always feel safe.
Trauma, abuse, frightening caregiving experiences, and later harmful relationships may contribute to difficulties with trust and emotional security. However, these experiences don't automatically produce a particular attachment style, and not everyone with fearful-avoidant tendencies has a trauma history.
In adulthood, someone may find themselves repeatedly moving toward and away from intimacy because neither closeness nor distance feels entirely comfortable.
How fearful-avoidant patterns can hurt relationships
For the individual, this internal conflict can feel exhausting.
You may struggle to understand why you desire a relationship so deeply while simultaneously feeling overwhelmed when someone offers the very connection you've been seeking.
For a partner, the unpredictability can create confusion and insecurity. They may feel unsure whether to move closer, give space, offer reassurance, or protect themselves from repeated withdrawal.
Over time, these patterns can make it difficult to establish the consistency, trust, and emotional safety that healthy relationships require.
But there's something important to understand here: contradictory attachment behaviors don't necessarily mean someone is intentionally being manipulative or difficult.
Sometimes they're attempts to manage competing fears of abandonment and vulnerability.
That doesn't remove responsibility for harmful behavior, but it does give us a more compassionate starting point for understanding it.
Moving from fearful-avoidant patterns toward security
For someone experiencing both attachment anxiety and avoidance, growth often involves learning to develop safety within themselves and within trustworthy relationships.
Some important areas of growth include:
Building emotional awareness. Begin recognizing when you feel drawn toward connection and when you feel compelled to withdraw.
Strengthening emotional regulation. Develop strategies for managing distress without automatically pursuing, shutting down, or reacting impulsively.
Exploring relational fears. Identify the beliefs and experiences that make closeness, dependence, or vulnerability feel threatening.
Practicing consistency. Learn to communicate needs and boundaries more predictably, even when emotions fluctuate.
Developing trust gradually. Trust doesn't require immediate vulnerability. It can grow through repeated experiences of safety, reliability, and respect.
Processing unresolved relational trauma when relevant. Therapy can provide space to understand painful experiences and develop new ways of relating without becoming overwhelmed.
Security isn't about forcing yourself to trust everyone or becoming comfortable with intimacy overnight.
It's about learning to recognize when you're responding to an actual threat versus an old expectation of being hurt, while gradually building relationships where closeness and safety can coexist.
Secure Attachment: The Goal Isn't Perfection. It's Connection.
Finally, let's talk about secure attachment.
Ah, security. The elusive dream of being able to love another human being without either planning your emotional escape route or analyzing their text messages like you're working for the FBI.
Secure attachment is generally characterized by comfort with emotional intimacy, trust, independence, and healthy interdependence.
People with more secure attachment tendencies often:
Feel comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Communicate emotional needs and boundaries with relative openness.
Trust others while maintaining appropriate discernment.
Tolerate normal periods of separation or uncertainty.
Seek support when needed without feeling ashamed of dependence.
Maintain a sense of individuality within relationships.
Navigate conflict without consistently resorting to withdrawal, pursuit, or emotional escalation.
Take responsibility for their behavior and participate in relational repair.
Think of Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation, who generally demonstrates steadiness, respect, and emotional support in his relationship with Leslie.
Or Gomez Addams, a man who is deeply affectionate, devoted to his wife, and entirely unashamed of loving her.
Honestly, Gomez may be onto something.
But let me be clear: secure attachment doesn't mean you're never anxious, jealous, insecure, avoidant, or emotionally reactive.
Securely attached people still experience conflict. They still get triggered. They still have moments of insecurity, misunderstandings, and emotional discomfort.
The difference is that these experiences don't have to dictate their entire relationship.
You can miss someone without assuming they're abandoning you.
You can need space without convincing yourself that intimacy is dangerous.
You can express disappointment without fearing that conflict means the relationship is over.
You can receive love without feeling the need to earn it, chase it, or protect yourself from it.
And perhaps most importantly, you can experience relational discomfort without immediately interpreting it as relational danger.
Security involves developing the ability to recognize emotions, communicate needs, maintain boundaries, tolerate vulnerability, and repair disconnection.
It also involves understanding that healthy relationships are built through mutual effort.
You cannot single-handedly create a secure relationship with someone who repeatedly refuses accountability, dismisses your needs, or behaves in harmful ways.
Security is not simply an individual accomplishment. It's also something that can be supported and strengthened through consistent, responsive relationships.
What does moving toward security actually require?
Regardless of which attachment pattern you identify with, the path toward greater security involves several overlapping skills.
Self-awareness: Recognizing your attachment-related fears, beliefs, and behaviors without immediately judging yourself for them.
Emotional regulation: Learning to experience difficult emotions without allowing them to automatically determine your actions.
Healthy communication: Expressing needs, boundaries, fears, and expectations directly rather than relying on withdrawal, reassurance-seeking, or indirect communication.
Relational discernment: Recognizing which relationships are genuinely safe, reciprocal, and supportive, rather than assuming that every experience of insecurity is solely your responsibility to fix.
Vulnerability: Gradually learning to let trustworthy people know and support you, even when openness feels uncomfortable.
Accountability and repair: Acknowledging when your protective behaviors have hurt yourself or someone else and practicing more constructive responses.
And perhaps most importantly, compassion.
Because it's difficult to change patterns we're too ashamed to acknowledge.
So, What If You Recognized Yourself in This Article?
First of all, welcome to being human.
If you've made it this far and found yourself identifying with one, two, or perhaps all three insecure attachment patterns, welcome to the club.
It can be uncomfortable to recognize the ways we protect ourselves from the very connection we desire. It can be even more uncomfortable to acknowledge that those protective behaviors may sometimes hurt the people we love.
But I hope this article encourages curiosity rather than shame.
We don't necessarily get to choose the experiences that shape our attachment patterns. We don't choose the emotional availability of our caregivers, the consistency of our earliest relationships, or the ways we've been hurt by people we trusted.
But we do get to take responsibility for what we do with those experiences.
And I think that's an incredibly hopeful thing.
You may have spent years learning that closeness is dangerous, that love must be earned, or that people will inevitably leave. Those beliefs may have once helped you navigate relationships that felt unpredictable or unsafe.
But what protected you then may not be what helps you connect now.
And here's something else worth remembering: you can develop secure attachment patterns and still find yourself feeling insecure in a particular relationship. Security isn't a permanent state that protects you from every difficult relational experience. It's an evolving capacity that can be strengthened, challenged, and rebuilt.
So perhaps the goal isn't to become perfectly secure. Perhaps it's to become a little more aware of our fears, a little more intentional with our responses, and a little more willing to let ourselves be known.
If you're interested in exploring these patterns further, consider bringing some of these questions into therapy:
When I feel disconnected from someone I love, what is my immediate response?
Do I tend to pursue connection, withdraw from it, or alternate between the two?
What am I most afraid will happen if I express my emotional needs?
Which relationship behaviors help me feel temporarily safe but create difficulties in the long term?
What would responding from a place of security look like in my current relationships?
For further reading, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller is an accessible introduction to romantic attachment, while Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J. Wallin offers a deeper clinical perspective.
Ultimately, relationships are complicated. People are complicated. And learning how to love each other well is an ongoing process.
We may not be responsible for how our attachment wounds began, but we can be responsible for how we care for them.
And that's where security begins.
Victoria Whisler, LPC
Whisler Counseling | Denver, Colorado
Interested in exploring your attachment patterns, relationship dynamics, or emotional needs? Therapy can offer a supportive space to better understand yourself and develop more secure, fulfilling relationships.
References
Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226–244.
Fraley, R. C. (2019). Attachment in adulthood: Recent developments, emerging debates, and future directions. Annual Review of Psychology, 70, 401–422.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.